Last week we went 3-3 and I still talked like I invented football. Michigan paid. The Giants paid. Alabama used Kentucky like a coat rack, the Eagles won and missed the number, and Denver brought a spoon to Arrowhead. That's the microwave: red hot, ice cold, sometimes room temperature and still loud.
This week the college board I actually like. The NFL board I would not take home to the nuns. So we fade the pretty numbers and we live with it. Lines move. I will not pretend I am a spreadsheet.
Last week
Pro: 1-2 · College: 2-1 · Overall: 3-3
Season to date: 6-5-1
Saturday — campus
Jordan-Hare, the Mountain, and Oxford when Kiffin comes home wearing the wrong hat.
| Matchup | Spread Shenanigans | Hoagie Howl |
|---|---|---|
| Florida @ Auburn (FLA −2) |
Auburn moneyline. Waive the points. | Two points on the road in the SEC is a participation trophy. I want the Tigers to win the game, not sneak out with a field goal and a shrug. If I'm wrong I will say so louder than the band. |
| James Madison @ San Diego State (SDSU −2) |
JMU +2 | That number looks like it was written on a napkin after the second beer. Take the points and the team that still thinks it has something to prove. Sucker line. I am the sucker if I lay it. |
| LSU @ Ole Miss (LSU −3) |
Ole Miss +3 | I should take LSU. Everyone should take LSU. That's why I'm not taking LSU. Grove, night, old boss in a new shirt. Take the points and try not to look proud about it. |
Sunday — NFL
I do not like this slate. These are the three I can say out loud without crossing myself twice.
| Matchup | Spread Shenanigans | Hoagie Howl |
|---|---|---|
| Eagles @ Titans (PHI −7) |
Tennessee +7 | Philly just beat Washington by two and now they want a touchdown on the road in a 39-point total. I live here. I still cannot lay that. Take the points and hide the receipt. |
| Packers @ Jets (GB −3.5) |
Jets +3.5 | Green Bay got punched in the mouth in Minneapolis. The Jets already won a road game. The public will "get right" with the Pack. I will sit with the home dog and the field goal. |
| Vikings @ Bears (CHI −4.5) |
Minnesota +4.5 | Chicago scored 59 last week and now they are a gift-wrapped favorite. Minnesota just dropped 39 on Green Bay. Take the points. If the Bears hang 50 again I will buy the table a round and shut up. |
Six plays. Three I mean. Three I am taking because the NFL menu is leftovers. If I stink, I stink. See you at the bar. Hoagie out.
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