Ey, you grease-stained gamblers and gridiron goofs—Week 18's exploding like cheap champagne at midnight, and the Hoagie's got confetti in his cap after that Week 17 clinker. We clanged to a clanging 1-5 (0-3 in Pro, holiday hex striking twice—Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas coal, my feast-day flops are folklore now; 1-2 in College, neutrals neutral as nougat nobody nibbles). That dips the deli to a decent 57-45—still over .500 like a hoagie holding its oil, proving my sub-shop sorcery survives the slumps. My crystal roll's cracked but cracking wise, last round's festive fizz fizzling flat (Raiders raided zilch, Broncos bronco'd backward, and those bowl generics? Generic gut punches). Twelfth week Auburn/LSU-free (season streak supreme—my real resolution resolved). But this finale firework? Pros with nothing-to-lose nonsense and playoff prelude neutrals so neutral they're nap-inducing—gut's guiding blind, lines locked early (Disclaimer, ya countdown-crashing clowns: These picks popped pre-ball-drop, so lines might flip-flop like a drunk at dawn—but these are the numbers I noshed my noodles on). I'm swapping cocoa for confetti chaos, chaos fancies that'll either champagne the close or cheap-wine the whimper. This ain't ball-drop brilliance—it's a hoagie howling hunches in a hangover haze. Chug your champagne, but no more holiday heartbreaks.
Week 17 Scorecard
Pro Football: 0-3 | College Football: 1-2 | Overall: 1-5
Season to Date: 57-45 (Yeah, that's me, the sub-shop savant slinking through the season but still standing, outlasting the louses like a leftover at a locust lunch.)
Pro Football: Finale Fizzles (Holiday Hex Hangover)
December's done and January's jesting, but these pros are finale-fizzling for pride or positioning like last-call lushes. I've got a trifecta of toasts—dome duels, division dregs, and Windy City whims—that'll either toast your ticket or turn it to toast. Extra olives, hold the holiday humbugs.
| Matchup | Spread Shenanigans | Hoagie Howl |
|---|---|---|
| Saints @ Falcons (Falcons -2.5) |
Take the Saints! | Atlanta's dome dwellers dome it up like division dreamers, but New Orleans' bayou brigade bayous back bold—gut's got that gumbo glow for the road warriors turning rivalry row into roux riches. Underdog undercurrent: laissez the bon temps, your Saints just sainted the spread with spicy surprise. |
| Cowboys @ Giants (Cowboys -5) |
Take the Giants! | Dallas's star squad stars in Jersey like they're scripting a swan song, but New York's blue-collar blues blue the blueprint—no pressure playground turning favorites into fool's gold. Underdog uplift: big blue the big house, your Giants just giant-jacked the juggernaut jive. |
| Lions @ Bears (Bears -2) |
Take the Lions! | Chicago's monsters midway monster a home howl like they're hibernating heavyweights, but Detroit's pride prowls pressure-free—fourth-down fearless turning chalk into chum without a care. Favorite frolic (rare for me): roar the relaxed, your Lions just lion-lounged the legacy lapse. |
College Football: Playoff Prelude Piffle (Neutral Naptime, Gut Gone)
Quarterfinal quirks on neutral napkins—nobody knows who's opting in or out, resting or rusting, so we're gut-generic on these giftless games like guessing presents without peeking. Booster bubbles bursting—three playoff pots with contrarian craves and chalk chasers.
| Matchup | Spread Shenanigans | Hoagie Howl |
|---|---|---|
| Oregon @ Texas Tech (Oregon -2.5) |
Take Texas Tech! | Oregon's green machine greens the grand stage like playoff perennials, but Texas Tech's red raiders red-rocket the radar—that skinny line's sucker bait for a neutral nibble turning favorites fowl. Underdog uprising: guns up the gamble, your Raiders just raider-rattled the rose parade. |
| Alabama @ Indiana (Indiana -7) |
Take Bama! | Indiana's undefeated unicorns unicorn the upset hype like Cinderella on steroids, but Alabama's pachyderm pack pachyderms the party—gut growls this bloated blowout bait's due for a backfire bash. Underdog underbelly: roll the reversal, your Tide just tide-tossed the Hoosier hoopla. |
| Mississippi @ Georgia (Georgia -6.5) |
Take Georgia! | Ole Miss's rebel rousers rebel the rematch like hotty-toddy hype, but Georgia's hedge-huggers hedge the havoc—line's right for a rivalry rout without the rebel yell. Favorite fury: sic 'em the sugar, your Bulldogs just bulldogged the bowl blues. |
There you have it, you magnificent meatball maestros (and you magnificent marinara muses musing the midnight)—this Week 18 finale fizzler's a fireworks fizzle of gutless guesses, contrarian confetti and a fond farewell to the regular-season six-pack (playoffs? We'll peck 'em piecemeal). I'm confetti-crusted in the countdown, relish and resolution. Bet bold (or bottled—your bubbly, my babble), and may your new year nail the noise instead of the nonsense. Hoagie out—season wrapped; me? Wrapped in wonder at surviving over .500. Happy New Year, champs!