Ey, you grease-stained gamblers and gridiron goofs—Week 16's shuffling in like a half-eaten panettone nobody wants, and the Hoagie's got zilch in the tank after that Week 15 whiff. We wheezed to a wheezing 2-4 (2-3 in Pro, where Bengals bengal'd zilch and Broncos bucked my buck; 0-1 in College, Boise bronco'd nothing but my bravado). That drops the dough to a doughy 51-39—still above water like a meatball bobbing in broth, but my crystal sub roll's colder than leftover lasagna. My pickle-prophecies popped a flat last round (Panthers panhandled my pride again—thought bye-week bounce would bite, but nah, more like bite me), Dolphins dolphin'd a dud, and that Boise pooch? Pooch-punted my playoff dreams. Tenth week Auburn/LSU-free (playoff poofs still poofed—my streak's the only thing streaking). But this week's card? It's a nothing-burger with extra nothing—gut's on mute, mojo's on milk carton, so I'm chucking chalk, chasing contrarian crumbs, and praying the house doesn't house me again. Disclaimer, ya dart-ducking delinquents: These bad boys baked early, so lines might moonwalk like a meatball in motion—but these are the numbers I noodled my noodle over. I'm trading figgy fizzles for flatliners, flatlining fancies that'll either flat-out win or flat-out flop. This ain't hoagie heroism—it's a hoagie hemorrhaging hunches in a holiday haze. Chug your cider, but no more pooch punches.
Week 15 Scorecard
Pro Football: 2-3 | College Football: 0-1 | Overall: 2-4
Season to Date: 51-39 (Yeah, that's me, the sub-shop savant slumping in the slush but still slinging slop, outscraping the scraps like a scavenger at a scrapyard.)
Pro Football: Playoff Push Pablum (Gut's Gone AWOL)
December's deep freeze is freezing the field, but these pros are pushing for postseason like kids pushing for presents. I've got a trifecta of tepid toss-ups—Windy City woes, Carolina chaos, and Rocky Mountain rumble—that'll either push your parlay or push it into the pooper. Extra exasperation, hold the hubris.
| Matchup | Spread Shenanigans | Hoagie Howl |
|---|---|---|
| Packers @ Bears (Packers -1.5) |
Take Da Bears! | Green Bay's green gang greens into Chicago like they're owning the lakefront, but the Bears? Gut's growling this grudge—Monsters of the Midway monster a miracle, Caleb Williams williams-ing whimsy that whims the wind. Jordan Love? Loves the letdown—underdog uprising: da bears the blizzard, your Chicago chuckle just chuckled the cheese. |
| Buccaneers @ Panthers (TB -3) |
Take the Panthers! | Tampa's bay brigade bays into Bank of America like buccaneer bosses, but Carolina's kitty cats (coming off that Saints sting I still taste) claw back savage—Bryce Young youngin' yarns that yarn the yardline. Baker Mayfield? Mayfield-ed into meh—underdog encore: hiss the hissies again (yeah, I know, but gut's dumb), your Panthers just panther-pounced the po'boys. |
| Jaguars @ Bronco (Broncos -3) |
Take the Jags! | Denver's mile-high mustangs muster in Empower like altitude aristocrats, but Jacksonville's teal terrors terror the takeoff—Trevor Lawrence lawrencing lobs that lob the letdown after last week's whatever. Sean Payton? Payton-punted—underdog underdog: claw the comeback, your Jags just jag-jolted the juggernaut. |
College Football: Playoff Prelude Piffle (Lines Looking Loopy)
First-round frolics and folly—college chaos is closing the curtain like a curtain call nobody clapped for, but these matchups? Gut's got nothing, so fading flips and chasing chalk where it chafes. Booster bells barely buzzing—three tosses in the playoff pot, one contrarian, one fade-the-public, one "too low" trap. Carve the cannoli, not the confidence.
| Matchup | Spread Shenanigans | Hoagie Howl |
|---|---|---|
| Alabama @ Oklahoma (Oklahoma -1.5) |
Take Bama! | Oklahoma's crimson cream crashes into Norman like line-flip lemmings (public pounding the Sooners? Smells like a setup)! Brent Venables? Venables-vexed—house hunch: roll the tide, your Tide just tide-turned the trap. |
| Miami @ Texas A&M (A&M -3.5) |
Take the Hurricanes! | Aggies aggregate in College Station like maroon marauders, but Miami's hurricane horde hurricanes 'em. Mike Elko? Elko-echoed empty—gut grumble: U the upset, your 'Canes just caned the cadets. |
| James Madison @ Oregon (Oregon -21.5) |
Take Oregon! | JMU's royal rebels revel in the playoff party like happy-to-be-here honorees. Line too low? Trap sprung—favorite fury: quack the quiet, your Ducks just duck-dynastied the Dukes. |
There you have it, you magnificent meatball maestros (and you magnificent marinara muses musing the meh)—this Week 16 nothing-burger's a nibble of nada, gut-gone guesses and line-lurking larks that'll either lark the last laugh or laugh me off the ledger. I'm hunch-hollow in the hoarfrost, relish and regret. Bet bland (or bold—your blandishment, my blandish), and may your spreads spice the season instead of sour it. Hoagie out—playoffs proper next; me? Pickled and pondering retirement!